Brief Thoughts About Steady Effort

 

 

 

 

During the summer, J and I hiked part of the Pembrokeshire Coast Path. After hiking for quite awhile on the first day, we saw this view ahead and I thought, "Oh, how lovely." It turned out to be one of the more challenging sections of the trail, because while it was shady and not awfully steep, it went on and on...and on...and on. For quite some time, there was no way to tell how much further we'd have to go to get to the top. We started noticing benches along the way, which is never a good sign. How many people needed to stop and rest for it to be necessary to haul bench making materials up this trail? Probably a lot.

 

And so it is and so it goes in life. If I were a preacher, perhaps this would be a sermon illustration. But I am not, and so it is just an observation about how much more effort things often take, how things can look as if they will be easy and beautiful and actually end up being quite hard. And yet, almost always worth it. I'd been wanting to hike that trail for years, and there we were, and it was beautiful and also hard.

 

But physical challenges are the least of my efforts, if I'm honest. It is so much harder to sustain an effort toward becoming the kind of person I want to be. Sometimes I want a little break, to be honest. To hold my tongue when I want to say something sharp (especially if it is true) is no easy thing. To act in the interests of someone else at the expense of my own desires can be harder than I'd like to admit. But if I'm out here saying (and sometimes I am) that we must all do this in order for things to work, then I need to be doing it myself. That's pretty basic and obvious, I think, but we humans are not always the brightest bulbs in the chandelier. Instead of treating others the way we would like to be treated, we twist the directive to focus on how others should treat us.

It's not that there's not room for teaching people how to treat us. But if we are not willing to make the same effort that we expect of others, and also if we don't recognise that our efforts may be different due to different personalities and cultures, then we won't get very far. This applies to person to person relationships, but also to groups encountering one another. Many wars are sustained under the banner of supposedly righteous revenge, and all we get is more dead people. Zoom in and we'll see broken interpersonal relationships, so now people we love are dead and we also have lost friends. And for what? So we can be on some mythical right side of history? I am tired of it, tired of these impulses in myself and tired of seeing it play out in ever widening circles of violence.

So what now? Well, the high road, if we can find it. In every interaction, checking in, "What would I want to happen to me, if I were sitting opposite where I sit now?" And then we actually have to act on that. Which is hard, because those challenges will keep coming. In everything we do, there is an option to do better. To keep walking up that hill when we cannot see the top. I suppose we must use the benches as we need them, in order to keep ascending. I'm not sure what that looks like in a practical sense. For me, maybe it is a bit of solitude? Perhaps it is different for everyone. In our hearts and minds, we know that eventually we will reach the top if we keep going. That there will be a town there where there is a place to rest and provision for the next section of the journey. Of course, the option exists to, instead, descend to where we started, or even lower. Which one will we take? I think I know.

A Silly Snake and My Own Practicality

 

I was surprised and delighted to nearly stumble, literally, on this rubber snake on our way to South Kensington Station after Z and I went to see Taylor Swift's clothes at the V&A. While I picked up some kitten earrings in the gift shop, I think this photo is my favourite souvenir of this little mother/daughter jaunt. A harmless object that looks a little bit vicious, in a silly sort of way, is just my kind of thing. 

I'm not sure that we are Swifties, but we do like most of her music, and when it comes to generosity of time, attention, and resources, she is an excellent example. She shouldn't be put on a pedestal by any means, and certainly she's made mistakes, but who exists about which we cannot say the same? And yet I found myself wondering if people we know who think Taylor Swift is a horrible person would judge what we posted on our social media accounts. I decided it could be what is referred to in the modern parlance as a "them problem." But I still worried, a little.

I find myself perplexed by the expectations laid on people, whether they be famous or not. The voices on the internet are quick to judge, and I'll confess that I have sometimes been one of those voices. But I have realised how far short I fall of the standards I set for other people, and I think it's best to look to my own self improvement before I start telling other people how they should be. If I cannot stop ordering things of dubious origin from Amazon, can I really expect even more of someone else? I cannot. I am also very mindful these days that I am placing blame or giving credit where it is actually due - and sometimes it is hard to tell just where this credit or blame should fall. But if I am in some small way committing the same wrongs, then certainly the way forward is to correct it in myself. And when it comes to the mistakes I've made in the past, well, there are certainly enough of them to put me on par with anyone who is currently being criticised on the internet.

I had a very hard time in the autumn when people commented on what was happening in a country far away. I'm sure you know which one I mean, because the problems persist to this day. One woman went so far as to say that she would tell the children and grandchildren of those who did not speak up what awful people they had been at this time. We had just lived through a complicated situation regarding a war elsewhere, which I could not speak about for reasons which would be negated if I explained now. But it was personal, and for two and a half years I lived with this uncertainty that terrified me. And there was nothing I could do but wait. So when this other situation arose, it didn't feel right to me to say anything, after I'd said nothing about this other thing for two and a half years. So I was quiet and have remained quiet about both situations. My voice would not move the needle in any particular direction, and I prefer the actions I take to be effective.

I suppose that's what lots of my stances on contentious topics boil down to. I am, in many ways, a practical person. Add to that the limited time, energy, and mental space I have to devote to each individual thing, and it would be unwise to fritter away myself for something that will end with no ground gained. I want what I do and say to be effective and helpful. So I ask myself firstly if what I think should happen actually can happen. Idealism gives us something to aim for, but if we can never reach it, then we will only live our lives frustrated and angry. I think a better question might be, "What is the best possible outcome?" And then figure out how to get that. Sometimes there is a big gap between what can happen now and what is possible with time and a lot of effort. So we do what we can now and (hopefully) make a plan for the future. It can be hard to look at a world full of suffering and not want things to happen now, and not understand why others cannot get on board. Add to that our addiction to instant gratification, and it is a tall order to slow down and make plans, to accept that these things always take longer and are more tedious than we'd prefer. 

And then there are the sacrifices necessary to get there. I am not very good at sacrifice. See the aforementioned Amazon habit. I am trying to get better at it. I know that if I truly want to do good in this world, more will be required of me than I'd often prefer to give, and it is better to practice this now than to be caught unprepared later. So I guess that's where I'll leave this for today. In the midst of mulling over all of this, on my way downstairs to make some progress toward putting dinner on the table.

Until next time...

To Catch You Up

 

 

 

 

Well, I just walked away and left this, didn't I? It wasn't intentional, or at least being away this long wasn't intentional. Life proceeded with such demands that this didn't make the list of things to do, or sometimes even what I'd like to do, most of the time. These past four years have been full of meeting needs, adjusting to changes, addressing the gap between expectation and reality, and finally, figuring out how to take care of myself a bit better.

In our family, the person who has the most acute and urgent need gets the attention, and most often it wasn't me. Having had to learn somewhat early in life how to just carry on whether I liked it or not, I have kept doing that. And while it serves me well most of the time, it also leaves some gaps. All this care of and for others, and who was going to take care of me? Well, mostly me, and sometimes not so well. Between my last post and now, I have shepherded one child through GCSEs* as a home educator, settled two into school, and looked after my family in every possible way. By the time 2024 hit, I felt a little bit done with a lot of things, prompting the thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't doing anyone any favours by doing things that shouldn't be mine to do. I've been scraping things off my proverbial plate ever since, and I feel better. It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying.

So here is where I am today: in a house we have bought (with a mortgage of course), absolutely delighted by decorating it however I want, no landlord permission required, and incredibly grateful for the people who do the tasks I cannot do in order to bring my vision to life. I have the kitchen of my dreams and a carousel camel in the back garden that I am scraping paint off of whenever I get a moment. This has been the greatest surprise and delight of this phase of adulthood. We've been in London ten years now, and it feels wonderful to have settled into our life here in this way.

I am no longer home educating (er, mostly). Z passed all her GCSEs* and is about to embark on her second year of college** whilst finishing up an Art & Design BTec*** with my, ahem, encouragement. It was clear that E needed things both socially and educationally that I could not provide through home ed, so she is settled into secondary school. There is a lot I find to be troublesome about the current system in place, but it's the best of the imperfect choices available to us, so I am trying to look on the bright side, despite feeling quite strongly that fifteen classes is too many classes for tweens. What's good is very good, so we will just take it.

I am still running a cat sitting business, which I have shrunk deliberately by not replacing clients who no longer need my services. I still love all the cats, but if I am honest, I'd love to be done with it entirely. However, it's nice to make a bit of an income to supplement our DIY budget. We are incredibly lucky that J's salary is enough for all four of us to live on. I honestly don't know what we'd do if we both had to work full time - it would be absolute mayhem. Whenever I feel tempted to complain about how busy I am, I check myself, because I am in no way truly suffering.

At church I remain the parish council secretary. I have no idea if I have mentioned having the job before, but it has led to acquiring more jobs along the way (all as a volunteer, of course), including being in charge of camp paperwork. I am happy to put some of the time I have to use in this way, and in terms of camp, I am very happy that I can do paperwork as opposed to living in a tent for eight days and cooking outdoors for thirty children. I love planning things, and I am already scheming for how to get everyone to turn in their paperwork more or less on time next year. (Feel free to laugh; we all know how this goes.)

I am, on the whole, content. It has been a surprise to find that this season of life offers a bit more ease than I have been used to. I am still busy in a lot of ways, for sure, but the pace and effort is not so frantic. I am grateful for that. Long may it continue.

*Please google this; I am not prioritising telling people individually at this time.

**This is the British meaning of the word college, which is not the same as university.

***Please also google this, for the same reason I'd like you to google GCSEs.

Focus on What Matters

 

I haven't written here since the pandemic swept away the version of normal we were living, because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I'm still not, but I am going to say a few things anyway. We've been through one full lockdown and may be entering another. I must confess that I don't mind much about this potential second one. We learned a lot of lessons in the first one about appropriate levels of preparedness, and I think that we will be fairly comfortable through a second one. Which makes us some of the lucky ones, I know.

To be honest, I don't understand the people who are grousing about things going back to normal and needing to get out and and do all the things they like to do again. My compassion and empathy extends primarily to those who have lost loved ones, who have had Covid and are still recovering, who have lost jobs and homes and all the big things that are essential to living. I think it is petty and disrespectful to complain about wearing masks and not getting to go to brunch. There are so many worse things. 

I do miss things that we used to be able to do, but it's a trade off. Because this slower pace has benefited us greatly. To have the pressures on our time, our energy, our money erased in one fell swoop was in no way a tragedy. We were busy, we were tired, we were a bit on edge in too many ways. And yet we couldn't seem to remedy the problem. I was saying no and quitting doing things that weren't a good fit, but things were still incredibly stressful in the day to day, for me, for my husband, for our kids. We have all expressed relief at not having so much to do anymore. We are not keen to go back to the old way of living.

For me personally, lockdown has pulled the things that matter into sharper focus. Far from being tired of having less to do and wanting to take on more, I have realized that there are more things I need to quit doing if I want to be the kind of person that I long to be, if I want to do what I do well. While we have been homebound, I have swapped frenzied activity for pursuits that are sustaining and sustainable. So as we have eased back into doing things outside of home, I have put time limits on some of them. Others I've committed to making part of the life that I want to create for myself and for my family, so that as we extend our activities outside our own home, we are well prepared.

It's not been the easiest thing, figuring all this out, but I have come to a place of feeling peace about how things are now and where we are headed in the future. I am working on letting things unfold, being diligent in the ways I need to be diligent and otherwise allowing room to just be. I know that there will be more to learn and new ways to adjust as we go forward. In particular I want to make sure that these good things that have come to us translate into us sharing that good with others, especially those who are suffering as a result of the pandemic. 

But I feel as if we have time, a little space to breathe and figure it out. Keeping close to home gave that to me, to us as a family. I'm not sure just how to express gratitude for this when what gave it to me has been so awful for so many. But I am thankful to be here now. At home, with things in better focus.

The Legacy of the 2010s

I wasn't going to make a big deal about it being a new decade. What is ten years? Just a measure of time, some would say an arbitrary one. But 2010 was the year that made of me something I hadn't been before, and thus that decade changed me straight out of the gate. In 2010, a judge declared that I was legally someone's mother. And again the same in 2012. Two daughters. There is nothing that has changed me - and my entire life's trajectory - more than they have. For the better.

I live in an entirely different country because shortly after we returned from the vacation during which this photo was taken, in London, I realized that I could do better for my children than the city in which I had gotten comfortable. I dreamt of a future in San Francisco, of putting down roots, until I didn't. And I credit my children with reviving a dream we'd had years earlier, that got set aside in the whirlwind of parenthood and just plain life. Would we have moved to London if it weren't for them? I'm not sure. My husband and I give very different answers when asked why we moved to London, so maybe we would've done it anyhow. But for me, it was for the kids that I got serious about it, and I would've happily stayed in our flat with a view of the ocean if I hadn't felt that this city would be better for them. Which is not to say that I didn't want it for myself as well, because I did. I had just given it up in favor of embracing where we had landed at that time.

Many women speak of losing themselves in the midst of motherhood. In many ways I feel like it made more of me, gave me more than it took and continues to take. Living in this city isn't even the half of it. I am gentler with myself. I see more clearly what really matters. I am softer and also stronger, in mind and in body. In this past decade of caring for my children, indeed of giving up most of my time and energy to care for and educate them, I have experienced how fleeting this time is. Giving so much of myself over to the part of me that is labeled mother during this season has not been a mistake. This I learned during the 2010s. My kids only have one childhood, and it is going by so incredibly fast. I look back on the 2010s as the golden years that they were. We were together, the four of us, more than we ever will be in the future.

This precious time in which they are with me most of all will be gone in a year and a half if Z's plans for her education hold firm, and then from there proceeds the slow transition into a time in which mothering will not be the main thing I do. The 2020s will take us into E's last year of compulsory education, but beyond that I don't really know what will be going on. I welcome whatever the gifts and lessons of the 2020s will be, because the 2010s have been so generous to me. I have some hopes, but few expectations. I learned that from the 2010s as well, to let go a little of my tightly held desires and plans. Things have turned out better than I hoped and planned in all the ways that matter. I know I sign off a lot by saying this, but it remains true: I am grateful.

WHAT

What happened? Where did the time go? Should I even be asking these questions, which are basically pointless?

I've had a lot of days in a row in which I woke up, started doing things, and didn't stop doing things until I laid down to go to sleep. Sometimes it's been hard to shut my brain off, and I just accept that and do a little reading or whatever might help me slide from doing doing doing doing into relaxing and letting go. At times ten minutes of reading will do the trick, but then there are nights that it takes an hour or more. In those instances I feel that I just need to finish thinking the thoughts that got interrupted during the day, and I let it happen.

I went through a small crisis of - well, I'm not really sure - at the beginning of December. It just felt like my optimism had bottomed out. I could see clearly that some things in my life were improving and moving forward, but there was a weight that had settled on me that felt like there was too much which remained unresolved. For the end of the year that I had pegged optimism as one of my guide words, this was a sorry state of affairs. I feared I would end the year in pessimism instead. And then I felt a gentle nudge, a small reminder that perhaps I had felt this feeling before? And that it did not mean certain doom? The realization was slow to come, but I got there somehow. This is the feeling of waiting, of expectation, of - dare I say it? - hope. Not a shallow hope that sings sweetly, but a deep knowing that there is something else afoot, and that my work is not to sink into this feeling but to wait through it.

After all this time, I am still not very good at waiting. I've had lots of practice. I've seen patience pay off. Yet it remains a challenge for me. I want to move steadily forward, with some degree of predictability involved. But it is not so most of the time. I know what I am meant to do in the now. I know the small ways I am to do the work of waiting. So as this year comes to a close and the next makes its way around the corner, I find I am prepared for what is ahead, though I don't know exactly what that might be or how long it will take to get there.

I wasn't sure if I would choose words again this year, but it turns out that some have emerged which will be useful to me. Once again, permanence is at the top of the list. There are things we need to do to secure things for our children's future, so that the choices we wish to be available for them will be theirs. Second on the list is perseverance. None of these things we want are going to come in an instant, or at least I don't think they will. I will need to continue to focus my efforts and see things through, to take the long view when short term gain seems more appealing. And for both of these other tasks I need patience. So now I have a third word. Yes, that's right, the woman who once scorned the "word of the year" thing now has three. I know. Oh well.

Nearing the End, But Not at the End (Slow Down!)

I keep seeing posts saying that it's the last month of the decade, and today I finally squinted at one with dismay and said, "It's still November." Are these numbskulls trying to rob me of my favorite month of the year? Or are they just in a hurry, as many of us seem to be? I am trying to be less in a hurry, thank you very much, so pipe down about the last month of the year and related nonsense until it's actually the last month of the year. And you can skip it then, too, actually. But if you must, please be correct, is what I'm saying.

I've been doing a lot of DIY and seem to have had a burst of culinary creativity. Right now I've got two slow cookers going, some cabbage (hopefully) turning into sauerkraut under a tea towel, some fig jam cooling in jars on the countertop, and injera batter bubbbling gently as the yeast multiplies. This burst began Wednesday, when I woke up to finish organizing the books on the living room shelves. I spent a week and a half taking out the carpet and painting the floorboards white in there, shifting furniture gradually as I went, and the result now that it's done has been a certain gladdening of heart and increase in motivation to do other things. I don't know why.

Well, I do. It's the same reason that my new (to me) shirt makes me feel good. Our surroundings matter. I sometimes wish this weren't true, but then think of all we would miss out on that is good in the world if our surroundings were neglected. Most creative things, I think. I struggle with the balance between creating a space around myself that is peaceful and beautiful, and making sure that I do not do it at the expense of other things (and people) which are more important. (Or maybe as important, but in a different way.) Should I be spending £30 on a can of floorboard paint when there are more and more homeless people out in the cold? What about that same amount on new-to-me clothes? These are things that I think about.

But that's not the point of this post, or it wasn't when I sat down to type it out. I have been thinking a lot about the close of the calendar year and what I hoped would happen during 2019. The theme of the year was permanence, with optimism tagging along. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at optimism. I think maybe what I've gotten better at is acceptance and having a sense of humor when it matters. Permanence, though, we seem to be making some progress on as a family.

In the summer, J received settlement status (also called indefinite leave to remain), and we signed a three year lease on our current house. Three years is a good long time to plan to be somewhere, and makes it worth it to change some things that are bothering me - thus the DIY. J receiving settled status means that the other three of us may now apply, and I will take what a friend calls "the stupid test" - aka the Life in the UK test - on Thursday. Will we have the applications in before 2020 comes calling? I hope so. It will be nice to have that settled (pun intended).

While I can't say they come under the banner of permanence, there are also some other questions which were settled and some responsibilities that I let go of this year. It feels like I am moving forward with a better sense of what works for me. Maybe I am moving into a more permanent life balance? It would be optimistic to think so, but as that was my other word for 2019, I'm just going to go with it, and now dash off for a little more DIY (new curtains!) before dinner.